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I wrote this random shit a few days ago drunk. I’m bringing it out because I don’t like Monday, I don’t like this monday

I think sometimes you have to make them think you’re crazy, like you’ve fucking lost you’re mind..you can’t control a past or go back to it but you obsess about it, you don’t need to make sense. This doesn’t make sense, but that is because I don’t want it too. I don’t want anyone to read it but then I will post it on the world wide web because I know its more than likely nobody will read it and should they read it how could they possibly understand it because it makes no sense. Sometimes things need to go back to being dark because the bright colours as luring as they are, they seem to become nothing but a false sense of happiness you’ve created and tried to emulate, the happy ending, the hero saving the day, the guy getting the girl. If I download a Sega megadrive emulator on my tablet and play all the games I used to play sure it feels like I’m reliving my days sat on the floor playing power rangers on my prized megadrive but no I’m only playing an emulation. I’m not playing on a megadrive atall so I’m not reliving my past I’m lying to myself that I’ve recreated what once was. That is how my life is, it sounds stupid. But of course that’s because it is. I am someone who built a period in my life which was incredible, full of expression, confidence, breaking rules, breaking hearts, no comfort zone, walking into rooms and becoming the vocal point, helping people and laughing in the face of others. Doing it all believing you’re in the dark place, thinking you’re sad and lonely and will be happy one day finding the bright colours leaving the black behind..its later on you realise actually the black “the dark place” was your happy ending. you just couldn’t see it. You were happy all along “I’ll be just fine pretending I’m not” those words are now burned into my brain. Expression and confidence being the main elements, they are key, fucking key elements to being happy because they give this overwhelming sense of power, creativity and make you fearless. Feeling like you’re careless and nothing can hurt you, if you make a mistake fuck it because everything will turn out ok and should it not you just move on. Its not selfish, training yourself to believe you have no heart obviously it doesn’t mean you dont. Its like being an anti-hero. I’m not fearless anymore, infact I’m terrified all the time. I’m fucking weak, I can’t express myself and say the words I want to say. Before I’d do and not think, I cant take the action i want, or pursue what i dream of. I’ve reverted, rewound back into the quiet timied person I was at school, the guy drawing hearts with crosses through them on the tables almost having to painfully force words out my burning closed throat. Its like being in a cage knowing there is this larger than life personality inside me, its not something I’ve made up or dream of, I know its inside me because I’ve unleashed it before and everyone saw it, infact it is that level of confidence where you find people who you assume would have no interest in you, come to you. Fuck the bright colours I want the black. maybe it was a stage show, an act. Its something that can be reenacted because I am the same fucking person, maybe just not as pretty. Expression and confidence can override anything. 2012 overall I feel I’m slowly becoming myself again and who I want to be but that’s been with help, infact I’m being pathetic, its been an awesome year I’ve been so much happier just not in that 6th gear I crave so maybe because I’m on the edge of glory this is why I’m crashing to my lowest point.12 showed me everything I want, I just need 2007 me to grab it. The thought of 2013 is fucking terrifying me though,like at any moment I could lose everything. I don’t want alot, I want that perfect moment and I want to smile. I will and I’ll do it in black. I’m so drunk right now and I hope this doesn’t make sense, I don’t want it too because I have no confidence! I was never on the floor.

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